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sidewalk as she flashes by. How stupid she s been. How blind. He s a cop, isn t he?
He made me promise not to tell. Ever since I was little I had to lie. She rocks on
the seat, cheek to knee. I m sorry.
She reaches to pet her hair, It s okay.
Hands white on the wheel, she slows to check a cross street, runs the red, accelera-
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tor to the floor. Why is she afraid? Why does she feel at risk? It s Jade who stands to
lose a father. It s Jade should be worried, not her.
This late, they find a space in the parking lot near the front door. Night s room
they find with no trouble. Jade rushes to cling to him, pressing her ear under his chin
as Ceridwen, unsure he would want her here, hangs out of the halo of light cast by a
sconce over the bed. She hears his voice and an unbearable weight is taken from her.
I m okay, Booboo, I m okay.
Chin on his chest, Jade peers up at him. Oh, Daddy, did it make a hole?
You can t put holes in the Pillsbury doughboy. The intensity of his stare over
Jade s shoulder makes Ceridwen believe he can see her even here in the relative dark.
Do something for me? Ask the nurse if I can have another happy pill, will you?
With a quick glance back at Ceridwen, she stands. Okay, be right back.
From the bed by the window there comes a muffled snoring. Night s eyes remain
on her. The silence between them presses against her ribs, making it hard to breathe.
She backs until her hand closes on the cold stainless of a door handle. I can wait
outside.
Stay.
Hesitantly, she leaves the cover of the dark. Who are you? Who are you really?
You know who I am.
What are you then?
A cop, but you already know that, don t you. Disappointed?
She feels the need to laugh. That you re not a garbage collector?
The way some feel people feel about cops, it s a step down.
I don t feel that way.
Some of your friends might. Len for one.
She ignores the dig, convinced she s close to seeing something she should have
seen long ago. What kind of a cop looks the way you do?
His mouth turns up into a tired half smile. Think about it, it ll come to you.
In a rush, she sees, and her mind sputters.
Thought you d get it. You ve heard of INET.
She has the feeling she should know what that means. She doesn t. INET?
Interagency Narcotics Enforcement Task force.
The pieces fall together in her mind, cold and ugly. She doesn t like the picture
they make. You weren t looking for a rental. You never even saw my ad, did you.
I did try to tell you, but you were so excited, I didn t have the heart. I just figured
I d let you show me the room, and make the buy later.
Her spine crawls. The buy you needed to bust me.
That s right.
Then& She is more puzzled now than ever. Why d you take the rooms?
He looks away. That part I m still trying to figure out.
Are you& Desperately, she searches for the right question. Are you supposed
to do things like that, rent rooms from people like me?
Chin on chest, he laughs silently until the pain in his back stops him.
Outrage rises in her, hot and acrid. Is that the way you work? Living in people s
homes? Spying on them?
He shakes his head, looking sick. No.
She thinks, scrambling to fill in the blanks. The other day, when you came by
during work. You were supposed to make another try at a buy, weren t you? That s
why you were so nervous, wasn t it?
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His look tells her she s right.
As her thoughts snake she sees no end to it. It just keeps going and going. But
you didn t. He opens his mouth to speak and she stops him with an upraised hand.
No, wait a minute you don t need a buy. You ve seen me sell, you ve had more
than enough time. It s been weeks and nothing s happened. Why not? Why aren t I
in jail? What are you waiting for?
Responding to her rising voice, the man in the next bed mumbles in his sleep.
Together they wait for him to resume snoring. When he does, Night answers, voice
low. I don t know.
His eyes say he does.
She moves to sit in a low chair at the side of the bed, suddenly chilled. Tell me.
He closes his eyes, breathes as if it s his first breath in a while. She can see he is
hurting and she takes a cruel thrill in it. I said tell me.
You want to know?
She is through pretending, through being anything but what she is. Yes, I want
to know.
It was you.
His answer leaves her confused and frightened. It was not what she expected. Not
at all. Me?
It was a feeling I had about you. I guess I was wrong.
It hurts to hear him say it. And if you d been right? What then?
For a long moment he watches her. Things might have been different.
Different? In frustration she slaps the arms of her chair. I don t know what
you re talking about.
Yes, you do.
Different how? She has to know and at the same time is afraid to.
Don t make me say it. His look changes as tension seems to drain out of him.
God, you look good.
She reaches to smooth her hair. I look like hell, I was in bed.
He smiles, eyes closing. I know.
She reaches out to take his hand and he clamps hers, eyes closed.
Are you hurt bad?
It s a pain in the ass, but I ll live.
She laughs at him. Pain plain in his face, he plays the tough guy. He intertwines
his fingers with hers, eyes open now and on her face. It s as sexual a feeling as any
she s known. The force of it scares her. I& should go.
He tightens his grip, Not yet.
She sinks back, relieved to be able to justify staying and he pins her with his eyes.
Will you get out of it? out of the business?
Feeling hunted, she looks away. I can t.
The pressure of his hand increases. You can.
She needs to be away from him, out of this room. You don t know, you just don t
know, okay?
What don t I know?
She looks to the door, Where s that nurse?
He reels her in, drawing her close despite her attempt to pull away. Tell me.
Feeling trapped, she faces him, trembling, You want to know why? I ll tell you
why, she says soto voce, afraid to wake the patient in the next bed. I need the
money!
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His face goes blank. But your salary
Is not enough.
In his face she sees growing enlightenment. You mean for the treatments.
In bustles the nurse sweeping aside the curtain, metal loops rattling. Need some-
thing to help us sleep, do we?
Embarrassed, Ceridwen breaks free, backs away, I ll wait for Jade downstairs.
Outside, she passes Jade without breaking stride.
She hurries away down the corridor, whole body atremble.
She told him. Why did she tell him?
" " "
Downstairs she runs into the man she remembers having seen waiting in Night s
car.
He seems to expect her. Professor Lawrence, right? You and me got to talk.
Why is that?
He flashes a badge. Because we do, that s why. He takes her elbow.
Resenting it, she jerks free. Not unless you can give me a good reason.
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